Speaking....

Warning warning this post is super long and there are NO photos - not a single one - so continue at your own peril....

I had to give a talk in church yesterday, which is always a little nervewracking anyway, but it's also my first in our new ward and when you don't know many people and they don't know you, you do wonder if your sense of humor is going to come over right (I'd say the american humor vs british humor can be a tad different!!)
So, I thought I'd write out my talk for the memory.....so maybe I didn't say these exact words, I may have ad libbed certain parts, but this is it, more or less,.....

First I introduced the family - Andrew and I are both from England (which, living in America I have learned, seems to absolve us from all strange/odd behavior) We met in the British LDS cliche way - at a YSA convention and got married 4 1/2 months later......the last time Andrew spoke in church he said that he "took a chance on me"....personally I tend to agree with Pres Hinckley, who said that it's the women who take all the risk - giving up everything, even their name - but all I can sau is lucky for you I worked out so good:) We have 4 kids, Daniel (13), Jordan (11), Abbie (8) and Amelia (4).
Today I was asked to speak about Teaching our Children -
Something I think about a lot - I have stacks of books on parenting tips, skills & ideas, I am on email lists, have websites bookmarked, tried all the job charts and reward systems - if u can mae it, I've read it, done it, bought it, seen it or it's on my list to do someday.
So why is it so important - because my kids are so important to me - I see their value and potential and I want to do it right. I want them to grow up with all the tools to help them be happy, successful, find peace and joy in life and I'm worried I'm not sufficient for the task.
I worry that the days I lose it and break every rule in the "mom book" are the only days they will ever remember.
I worry that I am not balancing the homework/dance/music/scouts/sports/chores with enough emotional and spiritual input.
I worry that in all I want to give my kids and make them happy I am not helping them to work enough and sweat for the things they value in life.
I'm sure every parent has their own similar list of worries/concerns.
At times I am overwhelmed at the tasks and responsibilities, but ultimately these worries keep me on my toes - help me keep working at it.

Two basic areas I wanted to focus on - Physical/Life skills and Emotional/Spiritual skills -

From the minute our kids are born we are busy teaching them things -
How to say "Mommy "Daddy", brush teeth, get dressed, don't hit, don't bite, need to share. As they get older we teach them to eat healthy, do homework, don't talk to strangers, how to solve problems with friends/teachers -at school/work, how to deal with finances, tie knots, build fires, braid hair, paint fingernails, put on makeup....
Is anyone else tired yet?
But we do it and we do it every single day. Life is physical so it can be easier to focus on these things.
But do our actions match our words?
Just as a backdrop, we are very protective parents (though we are trying to do better - I have even let the boys ride their bikes to the Library twice this summer - ok they were together, and had two cell phones,....and I probably called/texted them more than a few times) anyway, it doesn't take too long before people realise this about us - last yr Daniel was going on first scout summer camp and was going on his own for two days before Andrew went up to join them - we were nervous and Andrew said to Daniel's scout leader, Please keep and eye on Daniel - to which he replied "He's an O'Hare, we'll keep two eyes on him"
OK so we're protective parents, which may or may not explain the following story - if it doesn't and you still think we're crazy.....well we're from England:)
When our kids were younger, we'd role play the "don't talk to stangers" with them. Andrew would pretend to be the stranger and would try and talk to them, sometimes he'd drive his car into the cul de sac and try and talk to them (it took them a few tries before they learned he didn't really have a puppy or candy). When Abbie was 3/4 yrs old, we were in a store and I had been talking to a random lady in the store and she asked me "Mommy, do you know that lady?" which obviously I didn't - "Well why are you talking to her - she's a stranger" I realised that with I had been trying to teach her and what I actually did were two very different things and it confused her . I have since tried to notice when I do this -
When I help my kids with their homework, am I supportive "you are so smart - you can do this" or do I take over and basically show them that they're not quite smart enough to do it on their own.
When I have to go to a church meeting/activity and bring a dish to share (baking is not one of my top ten skills) and I complain or whine I don't have time, I can't make cookies anyway, blah blah blah - what am I really teaching them about the joy of serving?
Sometimes our actions are on track but we forget to teach our kids the why's of why we do the things we do -
Andrew had a birthday last month and turned 38, which we all know is the new 28 right? At some point during the day, Amelia came to me with all sincerity and asked "Mom, Is Dad going to die soon?" I took a moment to explain that as long as he eats right and exercises, he might still have a few years left in him. It was cute to see the understanding cross her face "oh so that's why you work out" ...and then the concern as she thought it through a little more and asked - "but cake's good for you right?"
Sometimes we take it for granted that our kids will understand why we do certain things - particularly things of a spiritual nature - which brings me to the 2nd area - emotional/spiritual

So hopefully, from the minute they're born we're also teaching them emotionally/spiritually - conversations, FHE, family testimony meetings, blessings, dates with our kids, one on one time together, teaching them forgiveness, tolerance, service, praying for them/with them, reading scriptures, baptizing/ordaining, going to the temple with them...
But again, do we live up to what we teach - it's not enough to say the words, we have to do - be the example.
What am I really teaching my kids when I yell at them to stop fighting and screaming at each other?
Am I too busy DOing things for my kids (laundry, dishes, cooking etc) that I forget to just BE with them, sit and laugh and play silly games?
My favorite example is found in the scriptures in Alma - we all know the story of the Stripling Warriors. "And they were all young men, and they were exceedingly valiant for courage, and also for strength and activity; but behold this was not all - they were men who were true at all times in whatsoever thing they were entrusted.
Yea they were men of soberness, for they had been taught to keep the commandments of God and to walk uprightly before him." (Alma 53:20-21)
And how did they get there? We know that they were "taught by their mothers that if they did not doubt God would deliver them" and they were able to "rehearse the words" of their mothers. They knew and felt and believed their mother's testimonies and teachings.
BUT an important part of the story that we often overlook is that standing at the side of these mother's are the fathers. They are the men who had "covenanted with God that rather than shed the blood of their brethren, they would give up their own lives" and had buried their weapons deep in the ground. These are the men who despite the "danger and the many afflictions and tribulations which the Nephites bore for them" and despite being "moved with compassion....desirous to take up arms in the defence of their country" despite all of these fatherly instincts that obviously impressed upon them - they kept their covenants - they had the courage and conviction to trust in the Lord. What a powerful example of parents, each in their own way, preparing their children, working together to teach them the same lessons in life. We each have our own strengths and ways of doing things, but I love that as parents together we can teach our children to be valiant and true at all times and walk uprightly before God.

Elder M Russell Ballard said
"..in these the last days, it is essential - even critical - that parents and children listen to and learn from one another...they are the essence, the center of God's plan for our eternal happiness and peace."
Teaching kids is not a one way street - we can learn from them as much as they can learn from us.
From the moment they're born they're teaching us things  -you can survive on less sleep that you thought, you actually look ok without makeup and your hair tied back, naps are great, a little throw up on your shoulder could work as a fashion statement, furniture can be fixed...or replaced, grey hair is a sign of wisdom (ok I'm 100% on this one for Andrew, not so sure myself)
Our kids call us out when our behaviors don't match our words - like in the don't talk to strangers story and we learn to improve and change.
There is nothing like watching a child mirror a behavior of yours to realise that you need to change. Over the last year I have watched Daniel develop my well honed "skill" of stubborness. I have done a really good job at telling myself it is a strength (which at times it is) but honestly at times, not so much....I am always right...even when I'm wrong" OK so I'm working on it and I think I'll be working on a lot of things for a lot of years to come, which can kind of sound like a life sentence -but I think it's supposed to be a lifelong struggle at least. As our children grow and move from one stage of life to another, as parents, we have to move and change too.
Part of the reason I believe the family unit is such a central part of the Gospel is because we are placed in it together to help each other achieve our potentials - parents helping children, children helping parents.
Just last night after we had put the girls to bed, Daniel and Jordan came up to me and said, "OK Mom, now you have to practice your talk for us" which is something we make them do with us - I have to say I was a little reluctant at first and had a million excuses why I shouldn't do it, but I realised that I should be willing to do the things I ask of them. So I practiced and they gave me some good tips and ideas (and told me which embarassing stories I had to cut) and when I was done I even heard the girls applauding from their bedroom:)

And then I guess I spoke a little about how much I love my kids and Andrew and shared my testimony etc etc...