Sometimes in life, love and service are just not going to be a two way street. Typically, for me I am totally ok with them being a one-way street....as long as I am on the giving end of that one-way. But I have learned more than I could have imagined over these last couple of weeks simply by being on the receiving end. I have learned how love, kindness and compassion can soothe your soul.
Two weeks ago I found out that I had lost our little baby girl. I was a little over 17 weeks pregnant and just so glad to have made it to the 'easy' half of pregnancy and we had all the dreams, hopes and conversations that come with having a little girl join our family. We had so many plans and they were all gone in the moment when my doctor couldn't find a heartbeat at a routine appointment.
Such an overwhelming loss and sadness is actually impossible to explain.
Andrew refers to them as our "first responders" those brave people who showed up in those first raw unimaginable days to bring meals and flowers and tender hugs.
And there were so many days of kindness after kindness, love upon love, texts, meals, treats, gifts, facetime chats with sisters, someone to walk with and a friend to sit with in the temple. So many people said they weren't good at this and wished they knew the right thing to say.... But they were already saying it just by showing up and reaching out.....
At some point you have to climb back into life...maybe part of that is having kids keeping my feet planted firmly on the ground with typical teenage 'discussions' about driving privileges, or minor sibling arguments about actually nothing at all.....And there is comfort in the familiar routine of life. The consistency and dependability help life feel normal again....
And yet there are still those moments when sadness overwhelms, days I have just ignored the knock at the door as I don't have my 'brave face' on, a song on the radio in the car that will spring tears into my eyes, children singing in primary about the Savior standing nigh which I know and have felt to be true and just fills my whole being or the sounds of a newborn baby crying that just tugs at my heart....maybe they will always be there.
I have experienced so many tender mercies and overwhelmingly, most have come from the hands and hearts and love of others. And for that I feel immense gratitude. I have been held up and sustained and loved and taken care of and literally it is like being wrapped in a blanket of comfort.
I don't know the reasons why and at first I thought I just had to figure that out....but instead all I feel is love. And for today, it is enough.
